Van Impudence!


An ode to grace …

So, there I was, awkwardly adrift in the cultural hellhole that was the early ‘70’s on Tyneside and entranced by an exotic sport held mainly in distant countries and with no media support to fuel a burgeoning fascination. In a time long before even World of Sport began their token showing of less than 1% of the world’s greatest, most gruelling, sporting extravaganza, the Tour de France, options for following races were as limited as your chances of buying a white Model T Ford.

The only Tour updates in those days were an occasional list of stage winners and, if we were very lucky, an updated top 10 GC, all hidden within the dreaded “Other Results” buried in the back pages of the Sports section of daily newspapers and usually secreted under all the football stuff that had already been reported elsewhere.

The cycling results were so small and so barely legible that they would have given actual small-print a bad name, and corporate lawyers a hard-on that could last for weeks.

Beyond these barest, most perfunctory of details, we restlessly devoured stage reports in Cycling (this was so long ago that it was even before the profound and dynamic name change to “Cycling Weekly”) to try and get a feel for the drama and the ebb and flow of the ongoing battle, but what came through was a generally disjointed and less than the sum of its parts.

For the young cycling neophyte the biggest treasures were a series of books published by the Kennedy Brothers following the narrative of each Grand Tour, imaginatively titled “Tour ’77” or “Giro ‘73” (you get the picture).

Although published weeks after the publicity caravans had packed away their tat and as the gladiatorial names garishly graffiti’d on the roads slowly began to fade, these books told a compelling narrative of the race, from the first to last pedal stroke, replete with some stunning high quality photos.

Opening the crackling white pages you could inhale deeply and almost catch a faint whiff of the sunflowers, Orangina and embrocation, as you were instantly transported to the side of the road to watch the peloton whirring by.


 

kennedy bros


It’s in one of these Tour books that I first stumbled across a full-page photo of a boyish, fresh-faced young man, posed with some faceless fat functionary to receive a completely bizarre gazelle-head plaque. This may have been a prize for winning a stage, or the mountains classification, having the most doe –like eyes in the peloton, successfully passing through puberty, or something like that.


 

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What struck me most though was that this hardened, elite, professional athlete didn’t look all that different from me – he wasn’t all that tall, very slight of build and looked so young – creating the impression of an instant underdog.

I would also later learned that under the jauntily perched cap was a head that would be subjected to some criminally bad hair moments too – instant empathy, although I never sank quite as low as having a perm.

It was hard to believe this rider was capable of comfortably mixing it up with the big, surly men of the peloton, with their hulking frames, chiselled legs, granite faces and full effusions of facial hair. Not only that, but when the road bent upwards he would fly and leave everyone grovelling helplessly in his wake.

The young man is Lucien Van Impe and the accompanying chapter of the book is titled Van Impudence, and relates in detail how he defied the hulking brutes of the peloton and their supreme leader King Ted, to wreak his own brand of cycling havoc in the mountains.

It was here that began my long-standing love affair with the grimpeurs, the pure climbers of the cycling world, those who want to defy gravity and try to prove Newton was a dunce.


 

Cyclisme : Tour de France - Alpe D Huez - 1976
An Astaire-like glide

Watch any YouTube videos of the time and you’ll see the big men of the Tour grinding horribly uphill, their whole bodies contorted as they attempt to turn over massive gears and physically wrestle the slopes into submission.

Merckx, indisputably the greatest cyclist of all time is probably the worst offender, and looks like he’s trying to re-align his top tube by brute strength alone,  while simultaneously starring in a slow-motion film of someone enduring a course of severe electro-shock therapy.

Then look at Van Impe, at the cadence he’s riding at, the effortless style and how he flows up the gradients. Woah.

His one-time Directeur Sportif, and by no means his greatest fan, Cyrille Guimard would say, “You had to see him on a bike when the road started to rise. It was marvellous to see, he was royally efficient. He had everything: the physique, fluidity, an easy and powerful pedalling style.”


 

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A decent time trialist on his day, this is Van Impe during the 1976 Tour ITT – in yellow and on his way to overall victory

In his book, Alpe d’Huez: The Story of Pro Cycling’s Greatest Climb, Peter Cossins writes that, “Van Impe’s style is effortless and majestic. Watching him, one can’t help but think that riding up mountains is the easiest thing in the world. His is no heavy-footed stomp, but an Astaire-like glide.”

Many cycling fans prefer the rouleurs and barradeurs, the big framed, hard-men, the grinders who churn massive gears with their endless, merciless attacks, dare-devil descending and never-say-die attitudes.


 

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Van Impe wears the green jersey of the Giro’s best climber with much more aplomb than the highly suspect perm

Others seem to like the controllers who grind their way to victory, eating up and spitting out mile after mile of road at a relentless, contained pace, regardless of whether they’re riding a time-trial, a mountain stage or across a pan flat parcours.

For me though pure poetry lies in those slight, mercurial riders, who would suddenly be transformed – given wings and the ability to dance away from the opposition when the road tilts unremittingly skyward.

Even more appealing, they’re all just a little skewed and a bit flaky, wired a little bit differently to everyone else or, as one of my friends would say, “as daft as a ship’s cat”. The best can even be a little bit useless and almost a liability when the roads are flat, or heaven forbid dip down through long, technical descents.

The power of the Internet and YouTube in particular has even let me rediscover some of the great climbers from before my time, the idols who inspired Van Impe, such as Charly Gaul and Federico Bahamontes.


 

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Gaul and Bahamontes

This pair, the “Angel of the Mountains” and “Eagle of Toldeo” respectively, both had that little bit of extra “climber flakiness” to set them apart. Bahamontes was terrified of descending on his own and was known to sit and eat ice-cream at the top of mountains while waiting for other riders so he had company on the way down.

Gaul’s demons were a little darker, once threatening to knife Bobet for a perceived slight and for a long period in his later life he became a recluse, living in a shack in the woods and wearing the same clothes day after day.

As Jacques Goddet, the Tour de France director observed, Van Impe also had “a touch of devilry that contained a strong dose of tactical intelligence” and was referred to as “l’ouistiti des cimes” – the oddball of the summits in certain sections of the French press.

Goddet went on to describe the climber as possessing “angelic features, always smiling, always amiable,” and yet Van Impe was known to be notoriously stubborn and difficult to manage, requiring careful handling, constant reassurance and a close coterie of attendants who would cater to his every whim away from the bike.

Cyrille Guimard, who coached, cajoled, goaded and drove Van Impe to his greatest achievement, Tour de France victory in 1976, described him as “every directeur sportif’s nightmare.”


 

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Van Impe doing what he does best

While I’ve enjoyed watching and following many good and some great riders, it’s always the climbers who’ve captivated me the most, although just being a good climber doesn’t seem to be enough. In fact it’s quite difficult to define the exact qualities that I appreciate – Marco Pantani and Claudio Chiapucci never “had it” and nor does current fan favourite and, ahem, “world’s best climber” the stone-faced Nairo Quintana.

There has to be a little something else, some quirk or spark of humanity that I can identify with and that sets the rider apart and makes them a joy to watch and follow. Of today’s climbers I’m most hopeful for Romain Bardet – he seems to have character, style and a rare intelligence, but only time will tell if he blossoms into a truly great grimpeur.


 

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“Always smiling, always amiable”

From the past, our very own Robert Millar of course was up there with the best (although my esteem may be coloured by intense nationalism). Andy Hampsten, on a good day, was another I liked to watch and, for a time the young Contador, when he seemed fresh and different and believable.

Still, none have come close to supplanting Van Impe in my estimation and esteem. He would go on to win the Tour in 1976 and perhaps “coulda/shoulda” won the following year, if not for being knocked off his bike by a car while attacking alone on L’Alpe D’Huez. See, that sort of shit happened even back in the “good, old days.”

By the time Van Impe’s career was finally over (including a retirement and comeback) he’d claimed the Tour de France King of the Mountains jersey on a record 6 separate occasions (matching his hero Bahamontes) and a feat that has never been bettered. (Fuck you Richard Virenque and your performance enhanced KoM sniping, I refuse to acknowledge your drug enabled “achievements”).


 

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On the attack, in the jersey he became synonymous with

In contrast, both during and after his professional career, Van Impe never tested positive, never refused a doping test and has never been implicated in any form of doping controversy – he’s either incredibly, astonishingly lucky, clever and cunning, or the closest thing you’ll ever get to the definition of a clean rider.

So, if you follow the Kitty Kelley premise that “a hero is someone we can admire without apology,” then Van Impe resolutely ticks all the boxes for me.

During his career he also managed to pick up awards for the most likeable person in the peloton and the Internet is replete with video and images of him as a good-natured and willing participant in some weirdly bizarre stunts, such as his spoof hour record attempt – proof he was an all-round good guy who never seemed to take himself too seriously.


 

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In this bizarre and apparently hilarious (if you speak Flemish) YouTube clip, Van Impe is seen challenging Moser’s Hour record

In all Van Impe completed an incredible 15 Tour’s, never abandoning and was an active participant and presence in all of them.

He won the race in 1976 and was 2nd once and 3rd on three separate occasions, finishing in the Top 5 eight times. Along the way he won 9 individual stages and achieved all this while riding for a succession of chronically weak teams and competing when two dominant giants of the sport, Merckx and Hinault, were in their pomp.

Van Impe was also 2nd overall in the Giro, winning one stage and two mountains classifications on a couple of rare forays into Italy.

Not just a one-trick pony though, he could  ride a decent time-trial and won a 40km ITT in the 1975 Tour, when he handily beat the likes of Merckx, Thévenet, Poulidor and Zoetemelk.

Even more surprisingly for a pure climber he even somehow managed to win the Belgian National Road Race Championship in 1983 after coming out of retirement.

I’m not sure if this represents Van Impe’s skills and talent, a particularly favourable parcours, or simply the nadir of Belgian cycling. Maybe all three?


 

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Belgian National Champion

In October this year Van Impe turned 70 and until recently was still actively engaged in cycling through the Wanty-Groupe Gobert Pro-Continental Team. He lives with his wife, Rita in a house named Alpe D’Huez, a reminder of the mountain where he set the foundations for his greatest triumph and perhaps suffered his most heartbreaking defeat.


 

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An elder Van Impe – still active in cycling

Not bad for the one time newspaper delivery boy and apprentice coffin-maker from the flatlands of Belgium.

Vive Van Impe!


 

 

Glossary and Dramatis Personae (updated)


Several dedicated readers (yes, seriously) have requested a glossary of terms they can quickly reference in case some of the pesky TLA’s and my lazy short-hand references are a little too obscure.

This is a formative revised version which hopefully will continue to be updated and grow as I bumble along churning out more and more err, witty effulgence. I’ve also taken it as an opportunity to flesh out some of the recurring dramatis personae, just so you can get some sort of understanding of the people I’m forced to put up with each week.

[Here’s as probably as good a place as any to reiterate that everything you read in SLJ is the pure, unvarnished, unalloyed truth. Well, apart from all the bits I make up obviously.]


A decent starting point would seem to be:

SLJ or Sur La Jante: The original phrase comes from the term “finir sur la jante” which I rather shamelessly purloined from a glossary of obscure cycling terms on the Inner Ring blog. Seriously, if you have even a passing interest in the sport of road cycling Mr. Inner Ring is a must read. To finir sur la jante is to finish on the rim, as if you’ve punctured and have to ride slowly. It seems to rather aptly sum up my efforts in the weekly club sprint to the café.

SLJ or Sur La Jante can also refer to this blog, (well, d’uh) – a paean, an homage, a eulogy if you like, to club cyclists and the traditional club run, in all its eccentric, idiosyncratic, bizarre, compelling, colourful and hugely entertaining glory.

SLJ or Sur La Jante can also refer to this blogs author, a 50-something, remarkably undistinguished club cyclist, occasional blogger, all-round curmudgeon and sometime smart-arse.

FNG or Flippin’ New Guy/Gal– is somewhat sanitised, US military slang, adopted (solely by me) to describe any new, newbie, noob, first-timer who turns up for one of our regular club runs and, more often than not, is never seen again. There has been some recent debate about when a FNG is said to “stick” and loses their FNG status. This has yet to be resolved.


People

OGLOur Glorious Leader. Also our Road Captain, Club President, Vice-President, Treasurer, Chairman, Secretary, Event Organiser, Social and Welfare Officer, Patron, Club Committee, Route Finder, Web Controller, Archivist, Photographer, Social Media Gatekeeper, Weatherman, Chief Recruiter and Club Ambassador. A megalomaniac you say? I couldn’t possibly comment…


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O.G.L. wearer of many hats.

Crazy Legs – a fellow rider and club run regular, characterised by unfailing enthusiasm and a super-high cadence driven by the skinniest calves this side of a bankrupt Eritrean cattle farm. Full of natural bonhomie. Given to nurturing and nursing FNG’s and renowned for constantly singing an eclectic mix of slightly off-kilter, occasionally tacky, pre-Millennial pop songs.


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Crazy Legs in short, shorts to show of his, err, assets

Taffy Steve – a fellow rider and club run regular, originally from the lands of the mythical Pant Cudd (who only narrowly escaped being referred to as Pant Cudd throughout this blog.) Most closely resembles “satirical comedian” Marcus Brigstoke, only far, far funnier and considerably more cynical. Drier than an Oklahoma dustbowl. Hates his thrice-cursed winter bike with a passion.

G-Dawg – a fellow rider and club run regular. Largely thought to be indestructible. Made in the same factory and cast from the same mould as the Terminator T-800 Model 101. Much like a paranoid hobbit, he has an irrational fear that a cruel overlord will claim his soul if he ever succumbs to the dark side and slips the chain off his big ring.


Even G-Dawg's much under-utilised inner ring is the size of a dustbin lid.
Even G-Dawg’s much under-utilised inner ring is the size of a dustbin lid.

Son of G-Dawg – Obviously the younger, faster, stronger chip off the old block. Most closely resembles the Terminator T-850 Model. NB: Just as in the movies the younger, faster, stronger model doesn’t always win.


This photo supplied by the BFG purports to show Son of G-Dawg's early training behind his Pa.
This photo supplied by the BFG purports to show Son of G-Dawg’s early training behind his Pa.

The Prof. – a fellow rider and club run regular. Does actually work at the University, but earned this soubriquet more for his uncanny resemblance to Professor Pat Pending in Wacky Races, his blind devotion to Convert-A-Car eccentric and small-wheeled bike design and some remarkably home-spun (and home applied) engineering solutions. Perhaps the owner of the club’s smallest, leakiest bladder.


The Prof. on one of his many Convert-a-Car creations.
The Prof. on one of his many Convert-a-Car creations.

The Red Max – a fellow rider and club run regular. Prone to chasing down anything that moves, like a loopy Labrador on speed. Has a penchant for red – bikes, clothes and the zone where his heart rate usually resides. Master of the Forlorn Hope “sprint.” It is believed Max has recently signed a sponsorship deal with the Ringling Bros, who now provide all his shoes.


Red Max
Red Max

Zardoz – a club run irregular and super-fit, cold-hearted assassin masquerading as a good-natured, white-haired, twinkle-eyed, perfectly avuncular octogenarian. Will rip your legs off if he senses even the slightest weakness, but you accept it because all the while he’s smiling sweetly at you through the pain. Has a great way of announcing an approaching motor vehicle by bleating “Keeargh” in an exaggerated Scouse accent, a warning that sounds remarkably like our cat coughing up a furball and never fails to make me laugh.


Zardoz
Zardoz on the attack.

Shoeless – a club run irregular and super-fit, super-strong Tri-Athlete, whose exploits will always be framed by the fact that he travelled 60 miles to an event, only to realise on arrival that he’d forgotten to pack his cycling shoes. Although hard, not hard enough to ride barefoot, but to be fair he drove home, collected his shoes and still made it to the start of the regular club run in time. His escapades have so far failed to convince us that all Tri-Athletes aren’t a hyper-successful experiment in Artificial Stupidity. (Where traditional comedic tropes for stupidity include the Irish, Essex Girls or blondes, cyclists tend to substitute Tri-Athletes)


Of course Tri-Athletes aren't really dumb, are they?
Of course Tri-Athletes aren’t really dumb, are they?

Ovis – a club run irregular with a strange predilection for running down stray farm animals. Forced to abandon his former life in the Deep South (Rochdale, Rotherham, Richmond, Rochester or some such) and live in exile under Witness Protection following the failure of a catastrophically inept, pyramid selling scam. Left with a container full of garish cycling kit from a previous club, that has a half-life greater than Bismuth-209 and is rumoured to be capable of surviving a 6 megaton thermo-nuclear detonation.


Both the peloton and flock breathed more easily once they realised Ovis wasn't there and there wasn't going to be a crash.
Both the peloton and flock breathed more easily once they realised Ovis wasn’t there and there wasn’t going to be a crash.

Captain Black/The Captain – a club run irregular of slightly saturnine appearance. Wears the dirt on his bike like a badge of honour. In thrall to a fat man of allegedly indeterminate parenthood, to whom he pays a princely ransom to be allowed to watch men chase an artificial pigs bladder around a paddock. Once, in an Obama-isn’t-an-American-citizen type scandal called me “young man”. Should have gone to SpecSavers.


Captain Black - in and out of official club kit.
Captain Black – in and out of official club kit.

Cowin’ Bovril – as in, “’Ere Carrott, they ain’t got no cowin’ Bovril!” for those of a certain age and uncertain comedic taste. A loquacious, club run irregular and trick cyclist from the Black Country. Most likely to say, “Did I ever tell you about…” or perhaps “Cherchez la femme.”

Szell – a club run irregular and supreme master of the single entendre. Spends all winter in hibernation, then bitches constantly in spring when everyone is fitter and faster than him. Provided the inspiration for the Szell Game. Most likely to ask, “Is it safe yet?”

BFG – the Big Friendly Giant – exactly as it says on the tin. Has a strange passion for all things vintage and classical, including esoteric kit made from inappropriate materials that never caught on, either because they were scrotum-tighteningly expensive, or simply deeply flawed, fragile and not at all effective, or in the majority of cases all of these things.


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Finding a frame that fits “just right” has always been a struggle for the BFG.

Shouty – a club run irregular, I unashamedly stole the name from one of her self-titled Strava rides where, giving her the benefit of the doubt, I think it was so windy she had to bellow loudly in order to have a conversation with the rider next to her. Not sure this potentially discourteous soubriquet is truly deserved, but I’m working on the principle she’s unlikely to find it buried in this benighted backwater of the Internet.

The Plank – a thrusting young thing and irregular club rider. Essentially a semi-professional, full-time stagiaire for the Army. (Whether the Army should be doing something as frivolous as sponsoring a cycling team in these days of defence cuts and extreme austerity, I’ll let you decide). Before anyone accuses me of being particularly mean-spirited it’s worth pointing out that Plank is accepted British Army slang for a member of the Artillery, and I’m pretty certain it’s a term that’s used with a great deal of affection.

Ether – a club run irregular from north of the border who occasionally displays the whitest legs that have ever existed this side of an over-worked albino wool fuller with vitiligo. In keeping with his Scottish ancestry and stereotypical impecuniousness, can often be seen using inner tubes with more patches than Windows 8. Still owes me a (new) inner tube for the one I loaned him 3 years ago.


We had to use special protective filters on this photo to stop the glare from Ether's legs damaging retinas.
We had to use special protective filters on this photo to stop the glare from Ether’s legs damaging retinas.

Rab Dee – a club run irregular and another from North of the Border. A strong rider, but sadly lacking the shockingly-white, retina burning skin tones of some of his brethren.

Goose – a club run irregular, as likely to be following ancient ley lines from one side of the country to the other as riding out with us. Highly sociable. Owner of a booming voice and honking laugh, I always know where he is, no matter how big the bunch is.


Goose always stands out from the crowd
Goose always stands out from the crowd

Moose Bumps / Moose – a thrusting young thing and irregular club run rider. In an affirmation that first impressions count, hasn’t been able to shed the stigma of turning up for his first ride in the middle of winter wearing fewer clothes than a Mylie Cyrus video where she’s trying to prove she’s “all growed up”

Plumose Papuss – a 44kg bundle (when soaking wet) of youthful energy and seething enthusiasm, laced with wicked potential and usually armoured in long green socks. Floats up hills and provides truly crap shelter in a headwind. Has a burning ambition to grow old disgracefully – an admirable metier for one so young.


Plumose Papuss gearing up for a club run.
Plumose Papuss gearing up for a club run.

Grover – an irregular club run rider. Good-naturedly puts up with a great deal of stick for being OGL’s erstwhile lieutenant and enforcer in absentia. The only person ever known to change his drink so the faint blush of colour through his bidon matched his new bartape. Bike tinkerer par excellence.

And of course there are many others such as Dab Man, Richard of Flanders, Carlton, Mini Miss, beZ et al that I haven’t got around to insulting yet…


Groups and Gangs

The Demon Cult of the Racing Snakes – super-skinny, super-fast, super-strong and super-serious roadies. Invariably young. Always in training. Always using their siren song to lure the unwary off for longer, faster, harder, hillier rides at lung-bursting, eye-sweating, blood-boiling, muscle-twitching, on-the-rivet, break-neck pace. Often leave their victims as straw men, a hollowed out empty shell, seemingly dazed and blind behind a thousand yard stare.

Grognards – literally the grumblers, named after the veterans of Napoleon’s elite Old Guard divisions. Here it refers to a contingent of old gits who have refined complaining down to a fine art and lived through the halcyon days when everything was, quite simply, better.

The Grogs – a dark and secretive cabal within the club which may, or may not number many grognards in its ranks. They have their own, special version of the club jersey which can only be won through a dark ritual involving the sacrifice of small, furry animals and communing with the drunken ghost of Henri Desgrange. Often silently and mysteriously slip away from the club run to do their own thing, only to reappear sitting relaxed and unruffled in the café long before anyone else gets there. Communicate through a series of arcane hand signals and a high-pitched chirruping that can drive dogs insane, but is generally inaudible to human ears.

Amblers – the slower, eminently more sensible group who usually take a shorter, more relaxed route to the café when the ride splits.

Raphalites –particular devotees of massively over-priced and painfully niche bike and cycle clothing brands who, despite spending a small fortune on “all the kit,” don’t actually ride all that much, or seem to enjoy it when they do. Show ponies with more style than substance and more money than sense.

RIM – Random Indignant Motorist. One of those superbly angry fellow road-users who feels they have a divine right to all of the road, all of the time and are on a mission so important that they cannot slow down for anything or anyone. They are always … always … in the right.


A typical RIM
A typical RIM.

Inanimate Objects and Things

Transport Interchange Centre – our rendezvous point, aka: a bus station.

The Great North Road Cycle-Maze and Death Trap™ – a constantly evolving, ever- changing and utterly illogical narrow ribbon of tarmac built with the sole purpose of protecting all other rightful and righteous road-users from the evil depredations of cyclists. This has been achieved by making the route so confusing, befuddling and dangerous that the unwary cyclist gives up, gets off and pushes, rather than becoming trapped or delivered directly into the path of a kerb, bus stop, barrier, bollard or speeding motor vehicle.

Reg – my constant companion and weapon of first choice when the weather isn’t utterly, utterly miserable. A Holdsworth Stelvio frame of mixed pedigree in an eye-bleeding combination of black red and yellow, built up with salvaged bits and pieces from my crashed and trashed previous bike. According to one fellow rider the paint scheme is gaudy enough to be worthy of an aluminium bike.

Interestingly this is the only bike I’ve ever owned with a name, thanks to some wag of a club rider (Dave “Le Taxi”) who decided to refer to it as Reg. The name kind of stuck (although I have to admit I had to Google “Reg Holdsworth”)

Reg’s predecessor underwent major reconstructive surgery in the Prof’s secret home workshop/lair/control centre/laboratory and has been resurrected as the Frankenbike.

Strava – a bike app I use to track my rides and record distance, speed routes and times. It supposedly has many more sophisticated functions that this old Luddite cannot grasp and can also be used “competitively” to cause utter chaos in the midst of the most serene of group rides.


Riding Rituals

Forlorn Hope – a glaringly telegraphed, highly predictable, massive attack miles from the finish that’s inevitably doomed to failure. An all-out sprint of between 3 and 5 miles. (See also: The Red Max).

Szell Game – an undertaking to never let Szell rejoin the front group for the café sprint once he has been distanced on a hill. It is acceptable, indeed desirable to allow him to nearly, almost, just get within a few metres of the last backwheel before putting in a spirited acceleration. (See also: Szell).


Random Ephemera Part#1 – in celebration of the wit & wisdom of the online cycling fraternity

When Keats proposed his epitaph should be, “Here lies one whose name was writ in water” he was perhaps prescient in seeing an age where electronic media would prove to be even more transient than the printed page.

While trawling this interweb-thing I’ll often stumble across some pithy put-down, well-crafted description, or just plain-evil, barbed comment that will have me spluttering coffee across my keyboard in delight.

This is my poor attempt to extend the life of this ephemera just a gnat’s breath longer. Here are some of my favourites.

[By the way, if anyone can help I’m still searching for a review I once saw of a reassuringly expensive Rapha wallet, illustrated with a suitable grainy photo of said item spilling open to reveal credit cards, keys, an iPhone and a pristine £10 note. In the comments section some wag had pondered whether the tenner was there for emergencies in case the Raphalite had to soil his fingers replacing a slipped chain and needed something to wipe them clean on.]

A marvellously low-brow interview with Victoria Pendleton in FHM (what else would you expect from FHM?) included the line: “Some of the girls I race against are quite masculine and have very low voices and facial hair…”

To which one message board wit quipped, “That’s odd. Some of the guys I race against are quite feminine, have squeaky voices and no hair anywhere. That’s the topsy-turvy world of cycling for you.”

Then there’s this classic from the Master himself, Doc Hutch in a piece from Cycling Weekly. “In the same era, the British time triallist would lighten his bike with a Black and Decker, drilling holes in bars, stems, frames, brakes, chainsets, and all the rest. He could thus remove two per cent of the weight and 99 per cent of the structural integrity. At full race pace his machine would whistle like a recorder concerto and flex like a wet dishcloth.”


The Rapha Pro Team Cross jersey. Decide for yourself.
The Rapha Pro Team Cross jersey. Decide for yourself.

Finally, GavinT posted a simple question under a review of the Rapha Pro Team Cross Jersey: “Do they do one in men’s colours?”


Burttin’ pondah Wrutzz – Part Duh


A Footnote (which may only be of interest to me)

Although the routes and distances of the Cyclone B ride (Yikes! that names a bit too close to an infamous, genocidal gas for true comfort – let’s just call it the Middle Ride) have changed slightly, I found looking at my past times a nice little barometer of improving form.

2010 was the first time I rode the Cyclone, with Toshi-san on a bike he had somehow miraculously cobbled together from an old Trek Alpha frame acquired on eBay and other assorted spares and cast-offs. I was inordinately pleased just to have finished, much less record a time under 5 hours.

2010= 4 hours 44
2011 = 4 hours 31
2012= 5 hours 15
2013 = 4 hours 17
2014 = 4 hours 02
2015 = 3 hours 41

2011 marks the year I started riding seriously with a club again, and from then there has been a satisfyingly steady progression (ignore 2012 when the weather was genuinely appalling and I spent a fair amount of time waiting at the tops hills for others in our group). That year aside, each ride shows gradual increases in fitness and loss of weight, but it’s worth noting the emphasis is a gradual improvement – over a lengthy period of time.


cyclone times
Cyclone times

Sadly, if there’s a quick fix  to turn a 50 year old+ ambler into a semi-proficient cyclist I’ve yet to find it. The improvements are the slow, accumulated consequences of all year, all weather riding (winter be damned), increased miles, both the implicit and explicit encouragement of club mates, and no small amount of physical pain and discomfort. All of which, perversely comes laced with huge amounts of fun.


rollers
I think I misunderstood when they said to warm down on the rollers…

Incidentally a text from Toshi-san after the ride suggested a whole litany of useful recovery routines, hot bath, protein shake, cold shower, massage, chilly beer, butty of choice, crisps, chocolate, coffee, milk, lemonade, digestive biscuits, compression socks, feet up on the sofa watching the telly…

My recovery routine on Saturday afternoon? Finishing the decorating of Daughter No.2’s room as the rest of the family had started something they couldn’t finish. Sigh.



Random Rambles and Esoteric Observations, Part#2


When my much beloved Fausto Coppi mug didn’t survive a recent office move, developed hairline fractures and started weeping hot java all over my desk I took it as sign from the cycling gods that I needed a new way of holding and imbibing this semi-precious, live-enriching beverage.

While there was a strong temptation to go for a straight up replacement, or even one of the other fabulously fantastic designs available from The Handmade Cyclist , I thought there was an opportunity for something a bit different and more creative.

So in a fit of unbridled megalomania and an utterly shameless act of self –promotion I decided to make my own SLJ mug. Quietly pleased with the end result, and certainly generating several quizzical looks throughout the office.


2015-06-05 07.52.39


Rolling with the Raphalites


I was making my way home from the club ride last weekend, nursing tired legs, Reg and a poorly bottom bracket, when I was stopped at the lights leading onto the bridge and noted a couple of serious looking cyclists, game-faces most definitely on, coming in the opposite direction. The lights changed and I crossed the river and began wending my way home, expecting any moment to be overtaken in a whirr of spinning wheels, a flash of bright colours and a hearty, “How do?”

Nothing.

I slowed to cross the railway lines and let a van out of side road. Still nothing, I began to think they must have taken a different route and not crossed the bridge.

Pushing on I skipped up the short, but steep rise to the road junction, stopped and unclipped at the red light and waited. First one, then the other dragged themselves up beside me, panting like an asthmatic, overweight Darth Vader when the turbo-lifts on the Death Star malfunction.

“How do?” I dutifully enquired, the recognised, UCI approved and universal greeting of cyclists everywhere.

“Going far?” one asked in reply, perhaps not quite realising it was almost 2.00 in the afternoon, the best part of the day had come and gone, and I’d been out since 8.00 o’clock that morning. I mentioned I was on the fag-end of a 70 mile club run and he mumbled something about a planned 100 miler. Ah, I was in the exalted presence of Raphalites.

One glance across showed me a beautiful, painfully expensive and acutely niche Italian carbon frame, deep section carbon wheels, and prominent Rapha logos adorning the necrotic, fag-smoke blue of heavily tattooed limbs.

I rolled off down the hill, soft pedalling somewhat because of Reg’s and my own fragile state, expecting the two to whiz past at any moment. Again, nothing and I became convinced they’d turned the other way at the junction.

They did finally catch me when I was held up busy roundabout, and we rode through the town centre together – just long enough for them to cast a few disparaging glances down at Reg. At another busy roundabout they dared more than me, and I watched them ride slowly away.

I hit the final, steep climb home, and there they were in front of me. Despite 70+ miles, a creaking bottom bracket and legs shredded by Mad Colin’s impromptu paceline (see here), I was closing on them with every pedal stroke. They turned left at the first junction, opting for the slightly easier, longer, twisting, but much less busy and infinitely preferable climb to the top.

I followed, expecting to overhaul them on the steeper lower section, but they turned left again and freewheeled down to a well-known cyclist’s café, obviously needing to stock up on triple shots of espresso and apple flapjacks to fuel their 100 mile epic. I hope the wholegrain goodness and industrial strength caffeine super-charged their ride, because if they couldn’t lift their pace beyond what I’d seen I couldn’t see them getting back before dark.


Bitchin’ Climbs#1

 


Whenever I get the opportunity I like to take in one of the behemoth’s featured in the book “100 Greatest Climbs” to see how much strain I can put my on ancient knees before they explode in a welter of bone, sinew and blood, like a feral alien bursting out John Hurt’s chest cavity.

A recent holiday in Keldy Forest, North Yorkshire saw me travelling with Reg to tackle the fearsome Rosedale Chimney – the climb the recent Tour de of Yorkshire wimped out of.

The books author Simon Warren, who just happens to have competed in National Hill Climbs, helpfully explains his rating system in the book is an amalgamation of gradient, length and the likely hostility of the riding conditions. He concludes, “all the climbs are tough, therefore 1/10 is hard and 10/10 is it’s almost all you can do to keep your bike moving.”

Rosedale Chimney is a 1.4km climb rated 10/10 with gradients reaching 1-in-3, and Simon cheerfully goes on to recount how he snapped his chain “not once, but twice while trying to conquer this vicious stretch of tarmac.” Oh my.

Oh, well…


The top and bottom of Rosedale Chimney.
The top and bottom of Rosedale Chimney. That’s not Reg by the way.

My allotted day arrives and I kiss goodbye to an anxious wife, say a final farewell to the kids, and we’re off. The weather is pleasantly mild and quite bright, but there’s a noticeably stiff breeze whenever the road is exposed.

A 25 kilometre or so loop gets me warmed up, and as I ride along the valley approaching the climb I can look over to the left and see a daunting picture of the road snaking its way up to the top of the North York Moors.

I slow down deliberately, gathering myself and coasting pass the big sign at the bottom of the hill. The road twists and turns a few times then spits me out past the last building and now we’re going resolutely uphill. Out and exposed, with the road clinging precariously to the side of the moors, and the “noticeably stiff breeze” has turned into a capricious, gusting blast that seems to come from all directions at once.

I hit the 33% hairpins and suddenly I’ve run out of gears and my legs are barely moving. I now have an image from a Ted Hughes poem lodged firmly in my brain, and I’ve become a “black-back gull bent like an iron bar slowly.” My mind keeps repeating the line over and over, to the rhythm of my straining, shuddering, agonisingly slow pedal strokes.

The gusting wind has me going from almost a standstill, to skeetering nervously across the road and swerving wildly to avoid running out of tarmac. And upwards, always upwards. A protracted crawling and dragging upwards.

I’m fighting the bike and the incline now, legs and lungs burning, zig-zagging back and forth across the surface and praying there’s no traffic coming the other way. I want to sit on the saddle, but when I try the road is so steep that the front wheel keeps lifting and I’m barely keeping control.

And then slowly, agonisingly I’m past the hard bit, the road straightens out and the climb goes from suicidal to just plain hard. I reach the top and crawl into a gravel strewn lay-by to unclip, breath again and admire the majestic, but rather bleak and threatening views. A quick photo and I turn around for the descent.

It’s only now that I realise my ordeal on the hill isn’t over yet. The sign usefully suggests that “cyclists dismount” and the road seems to drop away into emptiness. I creep down slowly, gingerly, brakes almost full on, knowing if I gather any momentum it’s going to be difficult to reach a controlled stop, uncertain on an unfamiliar road and sketchy surface.

Twice on the way down I have to pull over to the side of the road to shake out and flex my aching fingers back into some semblance of life. Then the incline eases and I can sit back and wheel merrily the rest of the way, off the climb without looking back.


rosedale chimney
That big, isolated bump at around 30km, like the topography flipping you the finger, is Rosedale Chimney. It laughs in the face of aged cyclists.

Well that’s that one ticked off. It was one hell of an experience, but I can honestly say I don’t ever see myself going back for another attempt.